laurenceiscaustic

Moving is a huge hassle in itself, moving to another city is something I haven't done in awhile so I'm assuming it'll be fine!
=)
Positivity eh?

I genuinely have no internet other than my parent's or boyfriend's right now, but I'll have my own soooon and I'll be CONNECTED TO THE WORLD again!

So exciiiiting.

xx o

I've been home in my parents house all day, it's so nice to be here.
I don't get the chance to come back here too much but I love being here.
Reconnecting with myself is so easy here.
I'm not usually this forthcoming with personal details online as it's not my style but I think, perhaps my closed nature is damaging things so it's about time I opened up.

I'm on Buzznet every day, reading, thinking, I wish they payed me as I would be rich!
I love blogs, especially Hanna Beth's, Raquel Reed's and of course, Panasonic Youth's, which may make me sound super scene or something, but I'm not any of that, I think I'm just to nice sometimes. I connect with so many things and I hate having to explain that in myself. I never understood why someone would pretend to hate something they loved to fit in.
I went to a somewhat catholic Irish language speaking primary school and I loved the Spice Girls. I used to make the girls dance with me in the playground until they were forced to seperate the boys and girls so as not to, I don't know, further gayify me? The experience left a horrible taste in my mouth and so I have always stood up for what I love no matter how ridiculous other people thought it was.
Jeffree Star makes me smile and dance.
I love Dirk Mai's photography.
Kat Von D is my hero of the day as her book "High Voltage" arrived today and it's fabulous.
I'm obsessed woth Blaqk Audio, Jay Brannan and Dolly Parton today.
It snowed here in Ireland today and my good friend Ian took some beautiful pictures in Dublin and I love the self portraits he took, they just look awesome and have such atmosphere.





Moving on...
A movie I INSIST that everyone should see is "Into The Wild" starring Emile Hirsch, it's absolutely breath taking.
It's about a man named Christopher McCandles who one day decided to just up and leave, not just his life, but the entire world, it's bullshit culture and mindless consumerism and off he went...Into The Wild.
It' absolutely one of the best, most genuine and most honest and beautigul movies I've ever seen and it's something I'm extremely envious of.
To just up and leave like that.
It'd be amazing.
Though after awhile I would like like a Yeti with insane Lion's Mane like head of hair and a full beard on each side of my face.
It would be beyond worth it though.

However, on the polar opposite side of my mind is the person wearinf beautiful clothes and being generally ridiculous.
People ALWAYS ask why I like Victoria Beckham so much and it's because she was ALWAYS my favourite Spice Girl as she was the underdog of sorts and now she's the most succesful so ha! She is always somewhat fabulously ridiculous and almost walking fashion and I find her so amazing.


Hanna Beth is someone I've just started paying attention to recently, almost by accident.
I was aware of her for quite some time as my house mate is obsessssssed with her and I always thought she was so cute but the last few weeks, I've been looking at what she wears, how she writes and just liking it all!
She looks like Jackie O-does-casualglam here and it's awesome!


I've got a busy few weeks ahead.
Get to see my man tomorrow EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Dublin Friday to see my friend's band play, gonna be awesome.
Week later is Freakscene's 60's+80's night which sounds horrifying but like last time, will hopefully be a  lot of fun.
Then myself and a few of the guys are flying to London to see The Cure which I'm SO stoked about. Crystal Castles support which should be awesome. I need to have a ragebegone dance.
THEN it's my 22nd birthday and this is how I feel wasted (to draaaaaaaaaaaaag the title out!) as I'm not where I wanted to be.
Soon though.
Middle of March, myself and Aimee will fly over to somewhere in the UK to see a few of Jeffree's shows, as many as we can.
So. Excited.

I'm pretty excited that my friend Liam's band Days Of Night are doing so well, they're AMAZING and you should go check them out.
 www.myspace.com/daysofnightband 

Liam and I are hardcore at night haha.
xx o




I must sincerely go to sleep now as it is very late and a night of conflicting and incoherent thoughts has made me extremely sleepy.

xx o

LxK

I come on here almost every day and I always seem to forget to post something, it's infuriating!
Just wanted to mention that Mark PanasonicYouth was chosen for the AFI Begin Transmission contest, (his video was definitely the best I've seen sooo cute),  and I'm SO stoked for him so congratulations Mark!

I actually need to be on here a lot more, I have very disjointed things on here right now, pics, vids etc seem dated now in light of how I actually feel.

Flying to The UK in a couple weeks to see The Cure on the NME tour with Crystal Castles supporting which should be awesome and interesting then flying over again a few weeks later to see Jeffree play again, yay!

My 22nd birthday is coming up too which should be fun.

=)

Gareth Pugh was invited to show at Paris Fashion Week!
I'm deeeeeeeply excited, he makes me think, isn't that what fashion is about?

SUCH an insane couple months; left work, got a new house with 3 of my best friends, cut out someone whom I considered a friend but didn't realise was conspiring against me behind my back.
 Can you NOT be a cliche for 15 minutes?
SO over gay people.

My amazing boyfriend excepted.
He makes me smile...

Italy in 3 weeks, I'm soooooooooooo excited, I've always wanted to go.
Hallow'een this year needs to be a small one.
Paris in November, FINALLY.
I wish I was going in time to see Gareth Pugh...hnnnnnnghh! That's going to be something every one will talk about for a loooong time.
I just hope he can evolve from the whole goth trend without losing his edge.

Stella McCartney sunglasses in teal and black make me so ridiculously happy I didn't buy them for a week as I felt too "consumery".
They are just so beautiful.

New photographer means new pictures.
Jilted starts are NOT my friend.

London in March to see Jeffree on my birthday, how fucking amazing is that?!
I actually cannot wait.
Nor can I wait to hear his new music, I know it's going to b amazing.

I just watched Cruel Intentions with Ciara over red wine, I forgot how funny that movie is, if very 90's.
Makes me think of 9 years ago... Cruel Intentions is almost 10 years old, how fucked up is that?!

 

Anybody else have any favourite 90's movies?

 

LxK

 

It feels like I haven't updated this page in about 5 years.
Everything is so crazy busy, it's stresstastic but it's kind of nice not to be bored.

Working all the time, I hate gay people. Just so you know, hahaha.
Obviously not all of them, just the drunk stereotypes that seem to appear near me.
Getting my first tattoo in the next few weeks, FINALLY settled on what I want to be drawn on me for ever.
=)
I know once I get one, I'll want about 50 more.
Pete Burns cacelled his Dublin show, NOT HAPPY!

Dublin Pride this weekend, I'm going to avoid it like the plague.
I've had about all I can deal with of Pride goings on thank you.

HAVE to buy plane tickets to London with Ciaran, we both keep forgetting and I wanna go and see Richie and shop and see the places Ciaran wants to show me.

So tired, have to go buy food (how mundane!) then collect my new Sidekick phone! I know so many people in the US will laugh or whatever but I'm obsessed with them and have wanted one for years and they're not available here so I just fucking bought one on eBay.
Have to get it unlocked and all that jazz though, soooo excited!

It' definitely time for me to go now.

I MUST find POP magazine somewhere in this city today.

xx o

L

It feels like I haven't put anything new on here in fucking ages!
I guess I actually haven't though...
=)

The last few months have been really cool, new everything, it's been a lot of fun.
Pete Burns is playing in Dublin, dear GOD I can't wait.

LxK

This Past Weekend Was...

Draining, obviously if I'm only writing about it at the start of THIS weekend!
=)

Crazy one... Friday was Ruby's with JAMIE whom I hadn't seen in a year.
Cue some INSANE behaviour and some questionable dancing with someone I love, haha.

Saturday was a night when I said "I'm NOT going out" and end up staggering home at 3:30 a.m in search of food and Shameless DVDS with Ciaran.

Sunday was MANIC, no rehearsal, no dance routines, no proper "costumes" and a cd that plays the wrong song for my second act, Alternative Miss Cork was AMAZING!
Performing is fun! I loved it and need to thank everyone involved and ALL of my friends, especially Brian for being so, SO supportive.

Drinking 'til 8, bed by 9 (a.m) Monday morning with Ciaran, NEVER laughed so hard or screamed so loud.

I'm still exhausted!

Seeing Aimee tomorrow.
My Birthday Thing Saturday night.
My actual 21st Sunday.
Dublin Wednesday 'til Saturday I think.

Can't wait!

 

LxK

2008 is here and it feels kind of new, as stupid as that may sound.
Some really fucked up shit happened last Wednesday night, I'm not going to go into detail about THAT on the internet, but needless to say I'm freaked.
I'm ok though, main thing.

Anyway, my fucking body is so sore! I have to start taking care of myself, it's crazy the shit I put my body through.

Couldn't get to Paris, so upset, but going very soon so that's kind of ok.
Gonna head to Dublin this weekend to see Ian and Aidan. Miss them.
New York in June for 2 weeks with T Man. Can't wait, you have no idea.

I need to eat my pasta, watch Absolutely Fabulous and try to sleep.
It's 7 a.m.

LxK

I'm so excited that this year is nearly over.
Fresh starts you know?

 

Can't wait for January! Paris to see my best friend Anthony, then flying to England with Aimee to see The Spice Girls! Belgium in February to see Octavio and make some music and then March brings my 21st Birthday!

Phew!

I HAVE to start writing on this more often...!

So, tomorrow is Hallow'een, perhaps my favourite fun holiday, I fucking love it!
Heading out tomorrow night with a lot of my friends which will be fucking amazing, hopefully, no court cases will result from this year's party.
Though, really, last year...that whole debacle was SO funny. Well, entertaining at the very least.

I have a lot to do for my costume, should have gotten around to it before now but whatever.
SO tired.

Have to sow some faux fur onto my black waistcoat dealy.
Ahahaha, the pictures will be funny.

HAPPY HALLOW'EEN EVERYONE!

 

LxK

Isn't the world funny?

I saw an old man with a plpastic shopping bag on his head, as a hood, wiping a public trash can thingy as if to clean it.
It made me smile, as perhaps, unhimged as he was, he was still trying to make the world a better (or cleaner at least!) place.

=)

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
I tend to do that.

I'm in a gay café (the joy) using the internet right now, kind of delaying going home.
I hate where I live so much you have no idea.
I mean, my family is there so it's perfect in that way, but... I just don't belong there, you know?
It sounds so nerdy and so fucking clichéd but I HAVE felt like this since I was about 5.

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere.
Probably why I cover myself in makeup and shit like that right?
Make where I am more bearable by bringing SOMETHING of me out.

I don't know why, in God's name I'm being so introspective, I'm kind of...reserved usually.
Hmm...maybe I'm just...bored?!
Ahaha...

I've been in Kinsale for about 6 months (!!) but it's nice there...Like a little place to breathe almost. Not that I'm putting pressure on it or anything.
It's been a fucked up year for sure and now it feels like I can breathe?
Because of myself before anyone over reacts!!
=)

Sigh.

Gotta get a stable job this week.
I need money for next month's excursion to England to see Jeffree Star and Paris in December to see ANTHONY!!!! I fucking miss him so much and of course...I need to get out of this country by the time I'm 21.
Which is in March.

So, if anyone wants to buy me a ticket to L.A?

Aahhahaha, ok...AAAAAAAAAH! I found cigarettes in my bag!! WHERE did these come from?!

See, shit happens!

Weird mood definitely.

Hope everyone's doing welllll...

LxK

Sigh.
I'm so tired! I've been up for what seems like 4 months.
It seems to be going in a good place though, so it's kind of nice.
Going to Dublin on Tuesday with a few people, Taylor, Emma, Jean...Should be great.
I neeeed to dance.

I've been saying it for SO fucking long, but I need new hair.
Shorter, more colouful.
Life's much more fun with colour.
=)

Going to England next month with Aimee to see some of Jeffree Star's shows.
It's going to be amazing.
Getting tattooed there too, not sure where and of what but Aimee and I are getting them done so it's all fine really!

Ciara's down, it's so nice. I miss my best friend.
I'm using her macbook and I want one so bad! Maybe I could sneak it out of here...if she wasn't so scairly protective of it!

Got Beyoncé on..."To the left..." I really like this song no matter how questionable I find the woman.
Can't deny a good song.

Been very into Pete Burns again lately because he's (very overdue!) back on our screens again.
Youtube "Celebrity Wife Swap" he was in it with his husband Michael and they were both spectacular.
His OWN TV show "Pete's PA" is starting tomorrow night...soooo excited.
Though I'll be in Kinsale so I may have to Youtube it myself!

Gotta go watch some Futurama deleted scenes with Ciara and then it's off to sleeeeeep.

Zzzz...


xx o

LxK

Just got back from spending 2 days in Kinsale at Emma's big scary The Others-esque house. I was brought back in a taxi despite all my protestations ( I was drunk and didn't object in the slightest) and had a nice time.
It was SO cool Wedneday night to see so many people I hadn't seen in ages and just have a lot of fun with them. Much needed.
Plus got to meet a very cool new person, Taylor. V.nice man.

Thursday and Friday were spent pretty much lounging around Emma's in various states of alcoholism. Smoking also became a major event (bad habbit, must realise soon and talk self out of it). Myself and Emma painted her ceiling on a scaffold! It was fun! And messy. I painted nipples on her shirt- how was I to know it would soak through to her bra?
Humph.

I'm at home in Cobh now (groan!) with my hair wrapped up in a towel, fresh out of the shower and I'm heading back into Cork tonight to meet Aimee and Courtney for a Crips reunion! Gonna be MASH UP! Aimee just called and slurred "We're areddy half cut!". Half?!
Pisshaw!

Must find clothes, dry hair, shave, eat more, drink some and then get train.
Sigh.

Yay about tonight though!

V.excited.

Continued...

Aimee, Courtney and myself got a cab to Kinsale Saturday night and we played "Never Have I Ever..." along with Taylor, Emma and Paul and just Cripped it up.
It's now Sunday and I'm still here.
=)
Emma and I spent the day painting her room and Taylor came with assorted cake-goods and Champagne (well a type of it...can't remember what it's called) and then went and bought us all cigarettes.
He is officially fabulous.

V.tired.

Going out for food soon, and wine methinks.

Funtimes!

LxK

LxK

I always have a million things to write about when I'm out walking or on/waiting for the train, but can never remember them when I'm actually sat here in front of a keyboard and screen.
I must resolve to invest in a notepad and pen for the future.

It's so nice to walk around cities at night time, I always forget that.
Especially on Friday nights when it's just getting dark and the lights from stores and blinking street lamps illuminate the pavements and there's that anticipation of the coming weekend, that sense of freedom almost...everyone either rushing for buses, trains or taxis to get home and prepare or talking excitedely on their phones, making plans, swapping ideas while carrying bags of new clothing to wear and show off.

I love it.

The summer is over, but not everyone is back to school/college/Uni yet so they're trying to make every precious monet fun while bracing themselves for the return to routine they know MUST come.

I need a new job, to tide me over.
I need a new hairstyle, to keep me sane.

I hate winter, but autumn always grounds me and makes me wanna play "Sing The Sorrow" on repeat and walk through the leaves, smell the Hallow'een-y air...
Though lately, I've been seeing a lot of "Decemberunderground"-esque imagery on my late night walks.
City lights, debutantes...

I'm looking forward to immersing myself in "Cex Cells" and creating entirely new significant moments to walk at night to...

Tomorrow night, I get to see Jamie and Johnny which is going to be nice despit their choice of venue, I may get my hair done tomorrow afternoon, I need it.
Otherwise I'm just trapping myself, cutting myself off...
But that's not for here...

There are things to be done, reconnecting with MYSELF is kind of a priority.
Haven't felt like me for a while and it took an almost total stranger to make me realise it.

"Strip for me as I strip for you"
That's just it!

 

xx o

 

LxK

Have you ever felt inadequate?

Hmm, it's a weird thing to ask someone...But I'd like to know, I don't usually feel bad about myself, I know that sounds like I'm SO full of myself, but I mean, I get along fine.
So, I find it very disconcerting to be out or whatever and find myself thinking about how I look to other people. I don't really think about that too much, unless I'm involved with someone, so it was odd to start feeling down last night and some of today.

I actually had a very cool time in Dublin despite Aimee not finding any dress and our at least 6 mile walk.
Going to the gay bars always make me feel, in some way angry or bad or pissed of or drunk.
Last night, however, was kinda fun despite the nauseating insecurities that raised their heads.
I must get more pictures and videos on here, it's getting silly.

I need to get some food right now, I also wanna go out tonight, that shitty "festival" thing is on in my town.
Yuk. Drunken retards calling me a tranny/fag all night.

FUN!

=)

LxK

Let me be real for one moment. One of my best friends moved back to France today and it made me feel. Just for that, I love him. And for everything else. Especially EVERYTHING he is. Anthony baby, I miss you but I'll come visit soon. <3 So everything moves forward and I can jump on or let it pass me- again but sorry, that's not my style. This weekend is Gay Pride which is cool except that really, I hate so much of the complete cliche the Gay scene is. The "scene" in Cork is a joke. I mean come on people. Though I circulate in it, I don't think I'm above it, better than it or anything, I just don't allow myself to be part of it. Anyway, as I was talking about him earlier, I'll do it again, Anthony made me realize that OH MY GOD! There are some truly ORIGINAL, INDIVIDUAL and fucking AMAZING gay men out there. So for that, for Anthony and myself and all the other "not-of-the-norm" Gay men out there (Jeffree anyone?) I am proud. For everyone else, there's Mastercard. So to all you retards, inbred whateverIcancallyouhere people, FUCK YOU And to all my REAL friends, all shall we say 5 of them, I LOVE you. Let's destroy the world. LxK

I've come to realise that I'm a kind of person who resides in the shadows and no, I haven't been watching "Interview With A Vampire", I just am.
I mean that in the sense of being around people who never seem to notice.
How I actually am.

I like 2 people, and I'm sure this will come to bite me in the ass, but there you go.
I'm quite closed of, emotionally but if and when I like you, it's quite evident really.
I've realised that the two men that I like, who really, not being bitter, but they do lead me on, no two ways about it, they tend to use me in a last resort capicty and even at that it's nothing even remotely physical. When I like someone, I touch them, but these two recoil as if it's indecent. Maybe it is.
Honestly, the only thing I know is watching someone I've taken the time to like (it doesn't happen often, trust me) try so desperately to be with someone else is awful.

I seem to put my heart out there and have it smashed right back in my face and on this fakeinternet.com bullshit everyone has an Emo blog to write and this is so above and beyond and really nothing to do with that, that I have to write it. I'm not whining, really, I just ahve to get this out of me because I'm too closed off to people.

I just want someone to say "Hey, it's you".

Too much to ask?

Probably.

I hate the fact that someone can make me actually feel, because I really do close myself off to everyone unless you matter to me. So to have someone who goes to great length to open me up only to use me as an emotional fall back is kind of full of shit.

I'm not sure how I blend so easily into the background but maybe that's how it should be? To help people. =)

I think now is the time for a lot of change. Obviously.

Because I'm already being led around by one person and a second is just too much.

Honesty. Complete, un thought out (almost) honesty. From me. On the internet which instantly cheapens it right?
For the first time ever, no.
Not a cry for help.
A cry for me.
To scream my lungs out about everything I fear. To leave it all and become a better person.
To find someone who'll know that I'm good for them.
And to find someone who's good for me.

Most importantly, to find me.

LxK

I just read a journal post by the wonderful Miss E and I haven't felt tnhis inspired in a long, long time.

It's so goddamn refreshing not to mention absolutely energisisng! I'm just buzzing so much right now.
I really feel like, for the first time, it will work out. I can do it!
Anybody reading this probably doesn't know WHAT I'm talking about but I don't really mind, I'm just so psyched right now!

Sitting in this gay café, hearing all the noise, all the gossip (no one's mentioned the whole deletion thing yet but you can count on someone saying it to me later in the day) I just can't wait to get up and out of here.
I'm absolutely terrified and having a severe case of "What if?!" but I'm also so fucking excited!

I have very mixed feelings about the internet most of the time, there are the people who are so despearte to be famous, the ones who are desperate to take their clothes off and then just the plain desperate, praying for some kind of attention and then there are the people who are pretty much the reason I am on here. My friends, my real life friends. And the peolpe from far off who can inspire me so much that I'm practially jumping around in my chair here. They make me think, they make me feel and they make me try even harder to get what I want.
Look at my page, you'll know who they are.

It's all kind of happening, terrified though I am, I say "Bring it on!"

=)

 

LxK

What a cool weekend!

Just want to write quickly how cool it's been to meet new people who can carry an intelligent conversation!
The guys are great! Seeing "28 Weeks Later" tomorrow with Gary and Kieran and will, of course be seeing Brieuc as he works there and supplied me with the tickets.

It's SUCH a beautiful evening, I'm going to go enjoy it.

xx o

LxK

I spent my weekend in hospital, and I was going to make a video blog but honestly, I don't look so good right now and my speach is still kinda crappy.

I was in hospital because my face became so swollen and grotesque that being surrounded by medics was the only way to go. And none of them knew what was wrong. Still don't, but my face has (almost) returned to normal and I'm out of that awful place. I have a phobia of hospitals anyways but being in that third world esque place was truly horrendous.

On a nicer note though, I'm pleased at the way things are moving at the moment. I should be up and off to L.A this July so anyone from there on here should come see me.
Particularily Clint Catalyst and Mark PanaSonicYouth as they both make me think about things in a way that most people don't and that's just what I need right now. Not opinions, just thought. Constructive thought too, which in the world of "OMG Nicole Richie is so thin!" is quite hard to comeby.

Check out Clint in "Color Me Olsen" a new movie, out soon and supposed to be amazing and please, I urge you to go check out Mark's page on here as it is simply astounding. Seriously.
They're both in my top friends list on here.

Plus he likes AFI which to me, seals the deal.

Two of my very, very good friends, Siobhain and Sean are moving to Australia this week and while I am so happy for them, I can't help but be somewhat sad. I'll miss them so much, our mad adventures and just the kind of good times you can ONLY have with real friends.
I wish them nothing but the best.

I've been making some changes to myself recently (nothing surgical people) and it's nice to do that every once in a while. I've been kinda burned out and now I'm taking it easier and having fun on my own terms and accepting a few home truths.

You can't always be who you WANT to be, you have to be who you ARE.
Strange what it took to get me to realise that.

Anyways, it's a beautiful day, so I'm going to go outside and eat something small and smile.

I sound like a hippy. Though, I do wash and shave. Honestly!

xx o

 

LxK